he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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