Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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