i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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