WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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