I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
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