i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
