Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Randomize
