I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You made out with two different species that night
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
