I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
