she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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