Your face is a jimmy john
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
