He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
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I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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