im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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