Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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