My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
