How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
