Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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