there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
