this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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