i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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