phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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