you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
