My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
