Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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