if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
