If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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