Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
