oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
