it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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