My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
