I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
