Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
