I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
