What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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