Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
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I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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