Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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