im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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