the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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