i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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