I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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