I could have mohawked her pubes.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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