she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My vagina is officially offended.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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