she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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