I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
