I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
