Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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