When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
