Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
