You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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