U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
