If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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