still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
