oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Randomize
