If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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