Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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