WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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