we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
