I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i was born a porn star she said
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
