I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
